Ways To Spot, Stop & Fix Controlling Behaviour

“When you let go of control and commit yourself to happiness, it is so easy to offer compassion and forgiveness. This propels you from the past, into the present. People that are negative, spend so much time trying to control situations and blame others for their problems. Committing yourself to staying positive is a daily mantra that states, “I have control over how I plan to react, feel, think and believe in the present. No one guides the tone of my life, except me! (Shannon L. Alder)."

This episode is all about 'how to spot, stop & fix controlling behaviour' which shows across all parts of life (e.g. relationships: parent-child, manager-direct reports, etc) and (Adele's new song). 

In this episode of 'How to Spot & Stop Controlling Behaviour' I discuss:

• What is Controlling Behaviour?
• How to Spot Controlling Behaviour (using my personal experiences)?
• Where does Controlling Behaviour come from? 
• Negative Impact Controlling Behaviour has on Yourself & Others 
• How to with Stop & Fix Controlling Behaviour for both parties? 

I hope this episode motivates you to start fixing controlling issues in your life or making others aware of their controlling behaviour. It'd be happy to hear of your experiences - do drop me an email on: ammarb87@gmail.com. 

Not to forget, this episode features Adele and a 38min war! 

Transcript

Hey, Hey, Hey, what's up everyone. Good morning. Good afternoon. And Good evening. Welcome to the ageing millennial podcast. Hope everyone had a good week. I certainly did as close friend of mine Adele released her single easy on me after six years. So I'm happy that the hard work is paid off. And I've been very lucky to attend two of her concerts. Obviously you probably expect her being a very close friend of mine I've probably attended it more, but two were more than enough and hope to attend the new concert. Sorry, the concert based on new album in the coming months. And if any of you have listened to the new single, let me know what you thought and you know, how does it compare to Adele’s previous singles? So today's topic is ways to spot, fix and stop controlling behaviour.

So I'm not talking about controlling what you eat or controlling your diet controlling desires controlling anger, or controlling tears, or controlling your house budget. It's about control behaviour and situations. So in this episode, I'm just going to go through examples of what controlling behaviour or controlling situation may look like in different buckets of your life. I'd also kind of just touch upon where that controlling behaviour might come from and how it shouldn't be ignored. And I think that will give you a really good direction into what controlling behaviour looks like. So for example, if you had to spot controlling behaviour in someone else, these would be the signs you would look out for. The impact controlling behaviour has and using some personal examples and then tips or ways, or, you know, the, how to stop the controlling behaviour and spot it as well.

So, you know, it works both ways. So for example, if I'm the person being controlled, you know, this would really help you in giving tips of how to counter what's the right word, it, how to challenge that, or how to stop other people controlling you. And then if you like controlling others and you do control others, it's tips for you of how to stop your controlling behaviour as well. So you know, it's, it's there are different examples of, you know, control. So I'm sure you've heard of the term control, freak and control freak. The proper definition is a person whose behaviour indicates a powerful need to control people or circumstances in everyday life. And honestly, this happens everywhere. So if I, if I, if I start with relationships be it marriage, whether you're living with someone you know, whether you're not living with someone, but still in a relationship, you know, this can be reflecting different ways.

So for example, I want my partner to do a certain behaviour or want to eat in a certain way, or want to dress in a certain way, or don't want to dress in a certain way. You know, want, you, you want them to like the series you, like, you want them to like the, the movies you like without giving any sort of consideration to to, to what they like or what they would prefer, what they want to wear, what they want to eat. It's just about me, me, me, me, me, and what I like, and what if I like this? You should like this. And then you, you know, you tend to perhaps criticize them 24 7 just because they don't meet your expectations or because you're controlling the behaviour or controlling aspects of the personality isn't working. Or the fact that, you know, you've asked them to do something, they haven't done it.

You know, they tend to a controlling behaviour could be demeaning you in private or in public. So for example, criticizing you or criticizing your ideas of what you believe in. So instead of, you know, respectfully saying, I don't agree with you you know, they would just demean you in front of others. They, they, they, people controlling people who like to control do keep scores. So, so for example, they would remember when you screwed up what you didn't wash dishes when you were you as a very light example or you know I, I went to the movies because of you or I made my, or, you know, remember the time when I went out to meet your friends. So, you know, they would keep, we, they would keep a score list and they would always remember and get that out when you're challenging them.

You know, there there's a bit of a tough situation or a challenging situation that always keep score. People controlling people perhaps Gaslight you as well. So for example, if they said something hurtful to you in the past, and you bring that up in the future they would probably say, you know, I never said that you're making things up and did actually make you start believing that actually, you know, they may have not said it, and it's my fault. I should be the guilty one for bring this up or inventing things out the air you know, even happens in a child and parent relationship. So you know, it's, it's, if you don't listen to your parents could threaten you to throw you out of the house or stop your pocket money, or, you know, threaten you when any other negative consequence.

If, if, if you do something bad as a, if you do something bad as a child your parents might show love to your other sibling. But, but, but, but things are okay and, you know, they would show you love as long as you're subservient to their request and their wants and their needs et cetera, as long as you're giving into their controlling behaviour and their idea you know, what control me to them. You know, it happens in discussions as well with with many people. So, you know, you don't, they don't listen to your views. They get angry if your viewpoint doesn't match theirs and they don't acknowledge or listen to you and their behaviour is only good when you listen to them. Great example at work, you know I'm sure many of you would be able to relate to this, but you get to work with many controlling people.

You see many controlling personalities at the workplace. So for example, if you're making slides and your manager or counterpart doesn't like that, they would never approve them, even though the slides might be good might be very different and might be what other people are looking for, but your, you know, your manager doesn't like them, it doesn't fit in with how he or she wants it, regardless of whether they're good or not. They, they will say they're. Micro-managing. I think micro-managing is a great, great, great example of controlling behaviour. You know, your managers want to know what you're doing what you're up to at every hour of the day they want you send, they want you to send them a list of your tasks, which is fine, but then they want you to give regular updates as well.

They don't give you the space to do your work, firstly, but second to grow as well. You know, the I think P controlling monitors, et controlling counterparts would always you know, if, if things don't happen their way, they always tend to criticize you in public or in front of others they could joke around saying, you know you know, you won't have your job if you don't do this and then laugh it off afterwards. So it's very demeaning. But it's a way to control you to wait, to control your work, the way to control your performance. Or if they're not giving you access to senior management or not giving you visibility to senior management, this is a way of them controlling you of controlling your success because either they feel threatened or they feel insecure. And, and you know, this is, and they're many and many examples of at the workplace, and I'd be really interested to hear, you know, whether you've experienced such a sort of controlling behaviour at work.

And if you were a control freak in the past, and you've addressed these concerns, I'd still like to hear, you know, how you've overcome them with time another great controlling behaviour. And this is this, this, this is, this is actually probably very common amongst, amongst everyone is a silent treatment. So if someone doesn't agree with your viewpoint or someone didn't agree with you going out with your friends the other day, or you know, didn't agree with, you know, it, they asked you to do something you didn't, they would give you the side lend treatment. And the side treatment actually works at times because it makes the other person who's been giving the silent, makes them feel guilty makes them think did, was it me who did something wrong? Even though it might be the other person and then, you know, you start apologizing for behaviour that first you might not even know about, but you're apologizing just to kind of finish a side treatment.

And instead you, you might be apologizing for behaviour that actually wasn't your fault, but it's making you feel guilty just because the other person is making you do that. So it's a great way to control people, great way to control the situation, but in a very, very, very negative way. And then, you know, there's some other traits of that you should be looking out for in controlling people. So they're moody. As I said before, they're moody. When things don't go their way they, they, they always tend to own you. They don't say, sorry, when they're in the wrong, they would never apologize. Even though they're in the wrong, but they want you to apologize, want you to say, sorry. Just because it gives them a sense of power. It gives them a sense of pride. They don't listen to you, so they completely dismiss your views and your viewpoints.

And when you speak to them, they probably ignore you just to make them feel powerful, to make you feel small. This could hap this happens in all relationships, be it a parent child relationship, be it a spousal relationship, be it a girlfriend, boyfriend relationship, be it a friends relationship. It happens in all relationships. And this is a key thing to look out for. And they're always looking to change you as well. So for example you know, there always want to change aspects of your character of your personality. And I think what scares me is that in Pakistani culture or many Asian cultures when it comes to the discussion about marriage for guys, you know, when people ask a guy, oh, you know, when you want to get married, who do you wanna get married to?

You know, how old is she? Girl should be the recommendation. The common recommendation from elders is that, you know, you should marry some, a girl who's younger than you, because you can mold her. You can, you can change her the way you want. You can mold personality and, and, and right. And now that I think about it, right from the start we're already told of, you know, controlling behaviour of how to control others, to serve our purpose, to serve our to serve our happiness, which is completely, completely wrong. So, you know, you never think about these things or what others people say, and you know, how, how these words can have an impact on you, but honestly you can't blame you can't always blame the person who's controlling you as well. So if you have controlling behaviour you know, it don't blame yourself for, for such behaviour, don't beat yourself up on it.

There, there, there are always reasons for where this behaviour stems from. So for example you may have gone, gone through some child to trauma either it was, you know, physical abuse, perhaps verbal abuse. If I, if I talk about Asian culture you know, when the child is growing up parents want, you know, parents don't give that child enough S based or express their own opinions and when the child grows up and he, if he or she expresses their opinions, especially to elders, that's often seen as a sin of disrespect even having, you know a, a healthy conversation with an elder can, can, can can offend the elder and that's the that's in a sign of disrespect. So then the child just learns to stay quiet and just to go along with whatever his or her parents say, or his or her elders say.

And I think there needs to be a fine line with this. I think people need to realize that, you know, you, you, you shouldn't be able, you shouldn't want to first, you shouldn't want to control others or how they think and how they say yes, there's always a nice, fine boundary, but disrespect and disrespectful. But if someone is voicing their opinion you know, be it of whatever age that shouldn't be seen as a disrespect sign of disrespect, have an engaging conversation, have a good, good fruitful discussion. And, and it would be open mind. You know, perhaps in the past, you know, you've been hurt by, by people and by situations, and to avoid being hurt in the future, you think is better to control situations because you can partially control the outcome, or you think you can control the outcome, which isn't true, but, you know, having that sense of control and it gives you that that, that sense of safety and that security and hence, that's why you, you know, you control situations and control people.

Perhaps you were in the past, you were neglected by your parents. You were bullied by people which resulted in low self-esteem. So now you control people to feel better about yourself. You, you know, you tend to exercise your ego, you tend to exercise your pride and it just makes you feel better about yourself. So I'll give you a very light example. And, and you may relate, you may see my point in this, but it's very lighthearted in Pakistan when you're driving people with if you're driving people who are in a rush or who, or are speeding fast, tend to beam to give you the beam from the back. And they beam you to tell you to get out of the way or move to the left. And if you don't, they keep beaming, beaming, beaming, beaming, and then eventually they overtake you.

And, and they don't get far, but they just come right in front of you. And I think that's an indirect way of showing their and I might be completely wrong, but I, now I just think about it. It's, it's, it's controlling your, it's controlling you in a way that I'm much better than you and you should have listened to me. And now the fact that you have listened to me, I'm coming in front of you and I'm slowing you down. So it could be a sign of controlling behaviour, but, you know, did they probably experienced something of them being taken over and now they want to exercise this frustration and this thing on someone else. But as I said, it's a very lighthearted example. It's not as easy, but, you know, it could be very true that they're controlling and they're controlling behaviours by overtaking you and I'm sure a lot of Pakistanis and a lot of people in developing worlds where there's a lot of traffic and relate to this.

And then, you know, there's a perfectionism. So if you want to be perfect, if you want everything to be perfect and you're, you're afraid of failure there's there, there, you know, you, you, exercising control is the best way to avoid this fear of failure. And as I have mentioned in my previous episodes you know, you should be open to failure because that's where learning grows. And that's where you grow as a person in totality. Now, if we talk about impact of controlling behaviour the interesting thing is that a lot of people talk about talk about, you know, how me controlling someone's behaviour impacts me and, and to think about it one sided, but they don't think about the other side, how they're taking it. So if I'm a controlling person and I love to control situations in people which I have done in the past, by the way you know, I I'll use a personal example.

So when I was married, I would I would be a perfectionist when I came to cleaning. So I would get hung up some small stuff like, oh, the fridge isn't clean enough. Or the flat isn't clean enough or up to my standard or, or, you know, plans are being made without be me being consulted whilst I would make plans and not consult my, my other better half or X better half, I would, let's put it that way. And when things weren't happening my way, I would get worked up on such small stuff. Now that I look bad at it, back at it, I would give the solid treatment. You know, and I, I wouldn't focus. I would, I would focus on the negligible, the focus that the focus on the stuff that wouldn't matter the next, you know, two years, three years, five years and that would impact the relationship.

And you know, this, and, and, and as a controlling person in the past, you know, this would, this had impacted my relationship to a certain degree. <Affirmative> so it's not, it's not the best thing to have, you know, best thing to, to, to be controlling because it has a negative impact to your relationships. Secondly, you know, unnecessary user of brain cells as I said, I was focusing on things which wouldn't matter the next two years or three years, and, you know, pointless use of brain cell as I could have been used them for a much better thing. Obviously no person development. So if I'm, if I'm controlling others, I'm stuck in my ways. I'm not open to learning from others. I'm not open to growing as a person. I'm happy with the way things are. I'm happy with the way things I want them to be.

So there's no personal growth in that respect continued low self-esteem. So obviously I'm controlling others. And if I go back to, you know, why I might be controlling others, it stems for me to child traumas or low self-esteem. So if I'm, if I'm continuing to control others, my self-esteem is continuing to be low, low, low, low. So I continue to feel bad about myself when I'm not control others and good about myself and have some control over others and how others behave should behave in line with what I expect them to be. I'll be moody. So you know, if my expectations are met, I'm good in a great mood and happy, and, you know on top of the world, the minute that someone doesn't listen to me, or I lose control of that person, or the sit situation, I'd be moody, I'd be angry, I bit upset, and that reflects on to, and then you take that out on others as well, so not great at all.

And then, you know, I think the biggest thing is you're not really, I think by being controlling, you're not really having an authentic relationship or real relationship with others. So, you know, you're not really letting the other person or the real person in, you're not seeing the other person for who they really are and it's, and you know, it's not really, it's not real in any way the relationship, I mean, the other person is walking on exs around you, they've lost their identity, or self-worth, they've lost their personality. They've perhaps go resentful of you. For example, if you're a manager and you're controlling manager, micromanager, your employees do go resentful of you. They do, they do see you as a bad leader as a bad manager. And, and, and obviously this doesn't, there's no authentic relationship between a, between, you know, your direct report and you and, and, and, you know, it's, it's, I think that's the biggest thing for me is not having authentic relationships or real relationships with others, just because you want them to be in a certain way.

And they might be acting it, but it's not who they truly are. So I think it's important to really think of the impact, you know you have on others and, you know I think, and when you're being controlled you know, as I said, you're walking eggshells, but I think the biggest thing is that you don't believe in something and you still do it just to make the other person happy. So this is a bit of codependency and I will touch up on this topic in the future, but it's being, you know, being, being codependent on others to make them happy to make them like you. And you know, this goes back to my early episodes on expectations, on being one, to be liked by others, this crazy toxic relationships and so forth. You know, and I, and, and there's a really, and there's some, and sometimes, you know, these controlling behaviours can really add up in sad stories as well.

So for example, as a family friend I knew I knew them to be in a controlling marriage, and unfortunately because of Asian culture, that, that, that person had to stay in that marriage and that verbal controlling behaviour turned into physical abuse. You know, that person would get beaten up every day. The person would have bruises. There was no escape root for that person. And in the end that person did escape manage to escape successfully. But that ended up in court appearances that ended up in a divorce, which is great for that person, because there was no point of being that relationship. And, but, but that, but that, that controlling behaviour has had an impact on that person for life. And you know, you need to think about, you know, where, you know, where you're going wrong, perhaps.

So there's some really sad examples of, you know, what controlling behaviour can look like, how it impacts I mean, forget how it impacts you, but how it impacts others you're controlling. It could really ruin the life forever. And, you know I think now just moving on to you know, tips on, if you're being controlled, how to, how to look out for them, I'm just gonna summarize them again, but become aware, become aware of others' behaviours and words towards you. You know, if, if, if there's something, if there, if you feel that someone is controlling you you know, start confining in someone, confiding in someone and seeing and telling them about your story about the person controlling you, and maybe, you know, there could be a way that you could counter that perhaps start backing off you know, backing off on that person, especially if the, the, the situation has got really toxic or that person is the situation's got really bad start backing off.

And I think also as I alluded to, you know, sometimes a person controlling you, it's not always their fault. It's not their fault of how they are, you know, maybe they haven't been given a chance to reconnect with their past. Maybe they've gone through a really high trauma. So maybe if possible, try connecting with that person, you know, try give them a environment, a safe environment to be vulnerable. I, I have experienced in the past where, you know people have given me that ways to be vulnerable. And through that, I have identified my, some of my controlling behaviours and successfully given them up as well. You know, so there, there are different ways of connecting with that person. You don't, you can have a nice discussion with them. It's, you know, just give them that environment to open up to you, and maybe they discover something about themselves and they realize, oh, you know, I've been a, been an I have been controlling.

Now I'm aware of it and thank you for pointing that out. But it really depends on your situation. And honestly, if you're in a situation where you're being physically abused, then there's no room to talk to that person. Definitely you need to call a helpline or reach out to a loved one and save yourself because honestly life is too short for any, especially for any physical abuses. That's, that's going on. Now, on the other hand, if you're a controlling person as I said, don't blame yourself. You know you can't change the past, whatever happened has happened, but you can still change. So first is first to start with, to be aware of your words and actions. So for example, just watch out for what you say and how you say to others, how it might sound if, if someone said it to you.

So, so pretty much think before you talk before you act you know, it's always if, if someone else gives you if, for example, if, if, you know, I gave my ex spouse more room to make plans with others and her friends, I may have actually, you know, give, been given opportunity to grow as a person, to meet new people and to become better, good, really good friends with new people, you know, with them. So they're always, you know, there's always situations to help you grow. So don't be, don't be don't block them out completely. You know also be very aware of how others behave around you as well. So are people do, can people have open conversations with you? Are people expressing their views when they're speaking to you? So it's very important to notice people around you because that's where your emotional intelligence comes in.

If people are being aware of you and what you say and what you do, then there's definitely an issue. And you really need to like, have an, have, have respect into, you know, where you're going wrong and how you can help other people opening up to you. And I think what also helps is also getting feedback from others as well. So once you're aware of your words and actions, once you're aware that, I might be controlling a bit, then it's always good to get feedback from your closed ones as well, you know, ask them directly, am I being controlling give, they might not be honest at first or they might say some hurtful things to you, but honest, honestly, I think it's always good getting feedback, whether it's hurtful, not because it really does give you a good start to in, for introspection.

And, you know go to, if you can, if you can afford it, go to therapy they can help you identify any traumas from your childhood or from any latter part in your life and reconnect with them and deal with them and understand them. And you can finally understand those feelings and deal with those feelings in the end. And also, you know, it doesn't help, but if you're controlling, it's always good to identify who might be controlling you in your life as well. So you know, it could work both ways. I'm being controlled by someone, but they, they maybe they might be controlling by be controlled by someone it's, it's a vicious cycle and, you know, always and if you're, if you're, if you're controlling person and you feel anxious or you feel angry that someone has an listen to you, or you feel hurt you feel moody, sit with those feelings, try to like, you know, meditate feel those feelings and, and, and, and try to speak to yourself on where these feelings might be coming from.

Yes, it sounds stupid at times as, but actually people who are still skeptic about therapy, still skeptic about meditation, still something about feelings. But it does work and you need to give, don't be shy about doing that for you, because it's for your own wellbeing in the end of the day, honestly you, you need to really think about that. No, one's gonna, it be perfect. And that, and the fact that yes, if you, if you are controlling, you can still influence people. You can still influence people, but you need to let it go. And don't ruin your lives. Don't ruin your life. If others aren't, if others aren't adhering to what you want or what you want in life, everyone's different. Appreciate the differences, welcome the differences welcome the different personalities and welcome the different characters in your life.

Welcome the different situations and always see it as an opportunity to grow, to learn rather than seeing as a challenge to you, or a threat to you. So I really hope that this episode obviously is a much bigger topic. Controlled behaviour is a much bigger topic than what I put down in the last 28 to 29 minutes. But I really does hope, I really hope that this has maybe given you a start into identify controlling behaviours in others, in yourself, and star and the ways to start dealing with them. It's a long journey. It takes time, but if I can get there, you can surely get there as well. And you know, I'm just gonna end this section with some quotes. There's one by Ken Poro, sorry, for, for not pronouncing it right, but his quote is controller manipulation are not love.

The outcome is the life of imprisonment, ultimately leading to deep root, deep root feelings of resentment. And there's another quote by Shannon Alder. When you let go control and commit yourself to happiness, it is so easy to offer compassion, forgiveness. This propels you from the past, into the present people that are negative spend so much time trying to control situations and blame others for their problems, committing yourself to seeing positive is a daily mantra that states I have control over how I plan to react, feel, think, and believe in the present. No one guides a tone of my life except me. So hopefully that was helpful. Anyways, now moving to the last section of the podcast, facts and facts. So I'm gonna share some two, two interesting facts. Did you know that the shortest war in the world lasted for 38 minutes? So when the Soldan of British protected Zanzibar died and a new one was about to take over he took over without British approval in 1896.

Oh. And obviously the Brits weren't unhappy because they were controlling Zanzibar at that time. And obviously the Brits felt a bit you know, by him taking over ient to their pride and then to the ego, and that had to exert some controlling behaviour. So tensions escalated when the Newan refused to step down but the Britain you know, sent warships and that made the Newan escape the island in 40 minutes. And that was the end of the war, which lasted for a mere 38 minutes. So in this respect, the British exerted controlled they wanted to control the behaviour. They succeeded, but unfortunately lost Zanzibar many years ago, so controlled behaviour might give you wins in the short term, but long term, definitely no gains. So thank you very much, guys. Sorry, folks have a good week and as always subscribed to my ageing millennial podcast, keep the reviews coming in the reviews have been great so far. Keep sharing with your friends and keep giving me constructive feedback as well. Thanks very much. Have a good week, ciao!!