Coping With & Normalising Divorce

Perhaps I am being overly vulnerable in this episode and I’ll regret it later, however it's an important topic. I talk about normalising divorce (removing stigma and taboo) and how I coped with mine 2 years ago. It wasn't easy but I got through it via prioritising my well-being and support from my family & friends. I start by providing a brief overview of my 2 years of marriage, aftermath of the divorce i.e. what I had to put with and how I responded - this should help with coping in challenging situations - and why divorce isn't bad at all. This episode merely scratches the surface of divorce and I am sure to cover more in future episodes...

As always, rate & review and subscribe! 

Advice is based on personal experience. I’m not a medical professional. Please consult a doctor if you’re feeling anxious, depressed and so forth. 

Transcript

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Normalising & Coping With Divorce

Hello, from a cold and rainy Islamabad, I can't believe the weather's changed so fast. It's unbelievable and me, I am a I hate winter's. I love the summer, even though it gets to about forty forty one degrees here. I do prefer to a winter any time anyways. I hope all of you are, well, welcome to the Ageing Millennial podcast. Thank you so much for listening for the feedback you've given me over the past two months. It's been very overwhelming. I'm loving the positive feedback coming in, as well as a constructive feedback. And yeah, I just I just appreciate the love. So going straight into the topic today, and I think it's a very personal one. And I did think about how to position this topic and how much to talk about it, and I think I'll have to talk about it over a couple of episodes, but the topic is divorce. And many of you may know that I got divorced about two years ago, and it was an interesting, interesting phase in my life. But I think there's a lot of actually I don't think I know, I know there's a lot of stigma and taboo attached to divorce, especially in an Asian Muslim culture. And. I'm hoping that through these through this episode and perhaps the future ones I want to start, I want to kind of contribute to removing the stigma and taboo attached to divorce. And I think I can I can do that with my personal experience and kind of.

Making it Comfortable for people to take that step if they feel they're in that. You know, at that point in their lives, and perhaps also tips in the future episodes of maybe how to avoid a divorce, how to work on your marriage. You know, if I had done things differently in my marriage, maybe I would have been married. So you know it. I want to give all the perspectives. So in this episode, I'm going to focus on give some quick stats on divorce a very top line experience. Sorry, top line sharing of my experience over the two years of my marriage. How I dealt with the aftermath of divorce. And I think that's going to be the crux because many of you, if you're listening, you may have gone through a divorce or going through a divorce and you know, you may be not be able to cope with it. So perhaps it's tips on how to cope with some of the stuff, especially coming from an Asian perspective. It could help many of you. So just to give a quick a quick start, so these two researchers and University of California did some research across eighty four countries between an divorce data between the years of nineteen seventy two thousand eight, and they found the average divorce rate per thousand marriages is four point zero eight. So surprisingly or unsurprisingly, the lowest was in Sri Lanka at point four five.

Peru was at 0.48. But if you go but then if you go to some other countries like Kazakhstan was about 19 divorces for a thousand marriages. Cuba was 11. Japan was 3. Iran was 1.80. South Africa was 2.68. And Egypt and Kuwait were both 4.68. So a stark difference. But Kazakhstan in nineteen really stands out. And they found and they try to correlate their their their findings with some, you know, maybe some, you know, factors so. So they found that countries with higher GDP per capita had higher divorce rates. Countries where women were sorry. Countries which had a higher proportion of women. Their workplace had higher divorce rates. I'm not sure how that works. Countries where the population was highly educated so higher secondary school enrolment rates had higher divorce rates. Interestingly enough, religious groups, so wherever they were, higher proportion of Catholics that are higher divorce rate wherever they were higher. Muslims, there was a lower divorce rate, and I'm sure I can explain that. And I think in the Muslim societies, Asian societies, there's higher stigma and higher taboo attached to divorce. Another study found, you know, a study by OECD that on average, marriages last. So in Italy for 18 years, in the U.S. for 12 years and in Qatar for five years. Um, some other funding fun starts now in the U.S.. Five hundred about five hundred divorces happen during a typical romantic comedy movie, so that's a sign.

Don't watch romantic comedies. And there are nine divorces by the time couples complete their wedding vows, which take about two minutes and two minutes, about nine divorces on average in the U.S.. So, I mean, going on to some serious stuff. So the main drivers behind divorce found a found by OECD. 18 percent is infidelity. Forty four percent incompatibility. Nine percent is associated with drinking drugs or some substance abuse. Six percent is mental and physical abuse, and then twenty three percent is unattributed to a particular factor. So, uh, forty four percent in compatibility, that is really. And you know, when I talk to people who have been divorced in compatibility is the main reason why someone may have got divorced. But just coming back to my experience or going into my experience, so I was married two years. Um, and it was a semi arranged marriage whereby I was introduced to the girl through my son, my former former friends and, you know, we hit it off, got along. I had a few ups and downs during the pre marriage relationship, but then eventually got married. And we were married for about two years and in year one, and I think I alluded to this earlier in the therapy episode, but in year one of my marriage, that's when I first went into therapy and not because I was married, just because I started seeing some traits inside myself or some habits which were having a negative impact on my marriage or my relationship.

And that's when I decided, should I need to seek help for this? Because I do want to improve the relationship. I do want to make things work. And if there is something which I need to address on my side, why not, you know, and it always takes it. Always take, you know, takes two to tango. So I went to therapy and then through my former workplace, I attended this forum called Landmark Forum, which is focused around dealing with your past traumas or your basic about transforming your life for the better. So I attended this course, which was over three days, which is quite helpful at that time. But when I think about it, it was it was a bit of brainwashing, but that's for different episode. I was honest with my ex about my insecurities in my year when I really tried to make things less difficult. We went on our honeymoon, which is great for about a week and a half. But in year one, we were we already mentioned divorce from both sides initially. So, you know, we kind of that incompatibility did start appearing very early on in the relationship. And then in year two, we went for marriage therapy. I kind of threw all my cards on the table. Let's try this. Let's try that. So I opted for marriage therapy. Marriage counseling. The ex wasn't up for it, but over a while I I persuaded her, which was good.

So we attended three sessions, but it a very anti-armor session. So I stopped going out for that because it wasn't beneficial in any way. I went for a trip, a holiday, and that made me realize that you find your environment changes, but you still can't run away from your problems, even though you think about it might help. There might be a change of scenery. You might be going to a different cafe and so forth, but your problems are still there. However, in Utah in year two, I did make more of a conscious effort to prioritize my marriage over my friends and socializing. And you know, both of us tried. Both of us really did try. And there are issues on both sides. But you know, from from my perspective, I never talk about the ex in a bad light and I never would want to, because that's just not how I function, but from my perspective, you know, I think from a you know, why I why the relationship wasn't working for my side was, you know, I still liked my independence and I'm being very honest here. So I love my independence and I still do. I like my own space. I think are my goals didn't align with hers and my values in life, and we wanted perhaps different things. We were in different phases in our life. So, you know, I had been working for a number of years.

She hadn't. So there were different phases and we we had a bit of an age difference which which which does make a difference. A somewhat difference is what, in my view, others may not agree, but in my view, it does make a difference. And you know, I, you know, there were different pressures, there were different expectations, you know, financial was an issue as well at times. So, you know, there are different factors. And I guess when I mean, this is my first marriage, but when you're in a marriage and when it comes to it, you, you tend to deal with it very differently, differently versus. And, you know, maybe you're not married and you're like, Oh, shit, you know, when I get married, I'll do it this way or financially, I'll deal with it this way and I'll act in a certain way and I'll get rid of these habits and that and this and that. But let's be honest, guys, when it does come to a marriage, you know, a person does behave very differently. So this is a great example of know in marketing. When I've done consumer research, claimed behavior or what people will say they do is very different to what they actually do in the supermarket or when it comes to buying. So it's very much the same in a marriage. You know, you say you do one thing before marriage. When it comes to it, it's very different.

But you know, I will go. I think I will need other episode to kind of dive into where my faults were and how I improved myself and how that journey was for me on a more personal level. In another episode, but I think there was a decisive moment which you know which where I realized, you know, both of us were going back and forth and talking about divorce. But someone had to take the step, you know, it just kept dragging on and on and on and on and, you know, a decisive point, a moment where we had an argument with the course of a couple of days, I took the step and asked for a divorce. And yes, I might be the bad person then. But you know, a divorce isn't an easy thing to think about or take it to step four. You know, you take time. You you take time to reflect you take time to consult maybe other close ones or people who have experience in this kind of situation. You know, your elders or your your parents or your your extended family members, or you're very close friends. So it's not an easy decision to come to. But I think there was just a spark in my head at that point after a certain incident where I was like, You know what? I think this is over. We've tried hard enough both sides. And, you know, in Asian cultures and in Pakistani cultures, there's there is you to get ready for a lot of shit that comes afterwards, which I'll cover in a in a couple of minutes.

But, you know, but you need to think what's best for you? And you just do that step. So I did that, and, you know, I wouldn't say the aftermath was easy at all. You know, at least the first year of divorce or the year and a half, it was a very challenging and very difficult time for me. And I would say for my family as well. But to start with, you know, in Pakistani culture or in Asian culture or in conservative cultures, everyone wants to, you know, the divorced person or their family always wants to be on the other side. So that's where all the allegations started happening faults or whichever. A lot of mudslinging happens, and that's very common in in Pakistani culture. So, for example, you know, the guy's family might wrongly accuse the girl you know of of being of having an affair or this and that and the other side, the girl's family might accuse the guy of being gay or having an affair or, you know, so many other things which might not even be true. But you know, they happen to make it happen to start telling other people the rumors start. And you know, it really does impact. It really does impact the person, but it also impacts the family as well.

So the stance I took and the family took is, you know, you just stay calm. You don't respond and you don't say anything about your bad, about your ex, either, you know, because if you respond to dirty games or dirt, then it just keeps going on and on and on, and it results in nothing. So, you know, it's over. You accept it. You deal with the relationship being over, you accept your responsibility in that relationship and and you start moving on. But in Pakistani culture and Asian culture, it doesn't happen that way. And that's really sad because that puts a lot of people off of, you know, getting a divorce even though they want to. They tend to stay in marriages just because the other person has an upper hand or has their secret or has something they can use afterwards, or it can emotionally blackmail. And unfortunately, that makes a lot of people stay in marriages. But trust me, this lasts for a while and then it just goes away. But you have to be very, very, very strong. You know, the second one is know, once you get divorced, you get, especially if you come from a very conservative culture or close knit culture, you get need to get ready for the comments from family and friends. So I'll give you an example. I had many interesting comments come to me. And the most interesting one was, you know, Amar, you got divorced. That means you're weak and you couldn't handle the turbulence.

Other comments you get as divorce since that never happened in our family. What was people say about us? What would people say about you? You'll never get married again. Then people start blaming you for the stress you've caused them and so forth. What I've learned is you stay calm as well. You don't respond to this. You perhaps laugh it off if you can. And if you can't and it doesn't sit well with you just don't respond back because you might say something and you respond back, you might say something which hurt the others, and they might not be saying it from a bad taste, either. They might be saying it from a good place because they really have felt stressed in that situation. So give them benefit of the doubt and especially the situation is really difficult, especially for you. But I guess in conservative cultures, people just don't realize that that the person who got divorced is going through a divorce, how hard it is for him or her because everyone tends to think about themselves, but just be patient and go through it, friends. So dealing with your friends afterwards, you know, do get ready for your best or good friends to criticize you, not understanding your story. You might hear from people who you've never heard for for years, but they contact you because they want to hear the gossip. Know why? What happened? We heard this about you.

We heard that about you. Is it true? There's some, you know, your best friends or good friends may still be hanging out with your ex so you to get ready for all this crap. And honestly, there are ways to deal with it. So you talk to them, you be honest of your expectations while you have been hurt. If you're feeling that way and if the behavior continues, then it's a really, really, really, really, really good sign of cutting those people off because they're toxic in your life and you just don't need them. Remember, remember, you're not answerable to them. Your your your life is not their responsibility. And there's some friends and even family members who might just be there for the for the sake of gossip. And you just need to cut those people out and do check my episode on, you know, toxic friends and how to deal with them well identified them and how to deal with them as well. But it's a really good way. It leaves you with really honest people in the end and in the end and high quality people as well. And I think the biggest one is emotions. So once you get divorced, you go through mixed feelings. There's, you know, at times you feel like you're a failure. What if I what if I did this in my relationship? What if I did that? Was it all me? And you start blaming yourself.

It might lead to depression. It might make you feel guilty. You feel that there is someone for you. And you know, whatever you're feeling. Do you accept it? Do not ignore these feelings because the more you suppress them, the more they'll haunt you later on. So deal with them. Try to understand where they're coming from. Yes, they might not always be true, but still feel them. And don't force yourself to move on, either. Don't force yourself to feel a certain way. This can take months. This can take years. There's no right time frame if you want to cry. Let it out if you want to shout and do it as well. I know there, I think in Japan, there they have these shouting rooms where you go in and and and the rooms are soundproof and you can shout as loud as you want and no one would hear you. So I think they should have these in every single city. It'd be a really good business and really help people who just want to let their frustration out and can't because they come out of the house and so forth. So, you know, I suggest, don't force your feelings, don't pressure yourself to fit in a certain way and deal with their feelings. Talk to someone you know talking may help go to therapy if you can. There's no right way. There's no wrong way. You know, this process, this divorce process is different for everyone and just accepted, you know? And honestly, I do know that, you know, I'm I'm kind of dealing with the aftermath of divorce is different for everyone.

So you might have kids and it might be very, very difficult for you. And you know, please do share your experience as well. I'm sure I'm luckily I didn't have kids in that marriage or else have been very difficult, but I. I know I can't ignore it that the situation might be hard for others who do have kids. But in the end, you know, you need to do what's good for you. And and honestly, with the aftermath, things die over time and people do forget. But honestly, what people think and their opinions and their judgments should not be your concern. Your concern should be you and I. And you know, if you're at that junction, if you're at that place where you think divorce is the next step, you're the only one who knows. I can't give you advice on whether you should get divorced or get out of a relationship, nor can your parents, nor can your therapist, nor can anyone. It's up to you. So you need to take responsibility for your life. You need to realize that you have to live with that person. No one else will. Uh, so if you can live with that person, you need to wake up next to that person. You share happiness with that person. You achieve milestones together. You have children together, if you can.

So you know your your your life is with that person and you're the only one who can think whether I can live with that person or not, whether this relationship is moving in the direction I wanted to or not, no one else can. You know, the purpose isn't to the purpose of marriage isn't to brighten up your Instagram feeds or to make your family happy or to get married by a certain age or to have kids. Marriage is obviously much more bigger than that and take the time you need to get married. All right, if you feel the need to do so. Don't force yourself into anything. Um, you know, and and always it's always helped. Talking to your family, talking to your parents, ask them about the marriage experiences, asking them about their challenging, experiencing experiences, happy moments. I mean, I had happy moments in my marriage as well. It would be naive to really ignore those. You know, you have happy moments, you have sad moments, but you know you need to assess what their relationship with the marriage is for you or not. And I think. Um, there's a great quote by Jennifer Weiner, who says divorce isn't such a tragedy, a tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever got a divorce and honestly, I completely agree with this. In the beginning, you think, Oh, should divorce, divorce, divorce? I'm never going to get married again.

I'm going to be sad my whole life. But you know, you survive and you become even a better person. You know, if I think about the positive things after divorce in my life is that I find take responsibility in my life, my well-being and my happiness. I never really took responsibility for that. In the past, I've cut out toxic people from my life or fake people, so I really have some really good people in my life and good friends in my life. I learned about me, my habits, what I need for my next relationship, what I, what I'm looking for in my next partner, what to do in my next marriage, what not to do, my next marriage. You know, talk me about where my family went wrong, where I went wrong, where people around me went wrong. You know who my friends were, how they influenced me in my marriage, how there's so much I learned about myself. But it's also made me a real, a realist as well. You know, marriage and relationships isn't utopia. I'm definitely going to have an episode where I talk about marriage and you know, the good things about marriage and how it's a great it's still a great institution, a strong institution. I completely believe in it, but I think it's really important to talk about divorce as well and starting to normalize that discussion on divorce because I think that.

You know, you if you if you don't normalize divorce, then it makes you really hard. Hard for others, especially, I've seen people who stay in abusive marriages just because of the family pressure about what people will say their their kids or have friends whose parents have been unhappy for years and years and years. And the only reason their parents stayed their marriage is is for the children. I'm just really sad. You know, it's really sad to be living in a house where, you know, you might be sleeping in the same bed, but you don't have the intimacy. You don't talk to one another. You don't like one another, but you're you're just tied down due to social pressures, social stigma, taboo and so forth. So I really I mean, I hopefully this was just a start to normalizing the talk around divorce by sharing my experience, but there's obviously a lot more to divorce. And but but I really hope that, you know, it starts giving your food for thought that if you've gone through a divorce, you're going through a divorce, how to deal with with it. And I'd love to hear about your personal experiences as well if you're going through a divorce. How did you cope with it? Was it hard for you? Was it easy for you? And if you're thinking of divorce, I'd be happy to advise you. I'd be happy to speak to you, to hear you, to listen to you and to help you decide what the next best step is for you as well.

So, you know, always believe life carries on. You will definitely meet the love of your life, hopefully. And God has plans for you. And I'm just going to end the episode on this weird fact, actually. So more than 80 hippos previously owned by the Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar. I have a unique distinction U.S. law, so they are the first non-human creatures to be legally considered people. The U.S. District for the Southern District of Ohio recognize the late Escobar's infamous cocaine hippos as legal persons for the first time in United States. Honestly, I don't know how that's possible. I did read that this person followed the case for them to be recognized as legal people or people to avoid them being killed. Honestly, this world has weird laws and weird stuff happens here, but I'm happy the hip was didn't get killed. But it's it's an interesting thing nonetheless to see hippos being recognized as people when they're not really people. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this episode. There's obviously more to come. The discussion divorce doesn't end here, but as always, I love to hear your constructive feedback I love. Please rate and review this podcast there. The more you rate it, the more you view it, the more other people will listen to it. And as always, have a great week. Stay happy, stay safe, and I will speak to you next week. Goodbye.