Thinking Before You Speak

ALL of us say things we didn't mean, which hurts the other person and/or paints a negative image of the other person. Unfortunately, we can't take our words back. This episode provides examples of the hurtful things we can say,  impact it has on children & adults (using my examples e.g. long nose) and ways to help think before speaking. 

Advice is based on personal experience. I’m not a medical professional. Please consult a doctor if you’re feeling anxious, depressed and so forth. 

Transcript

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Hey, everyone. What's up. I hope everyone is. Well, I hope you had a good week. Honestly the last few days have been crazy in Islamabad. It's been raining for five days continuously. There were floods in certain places. Driving gets even more manic than it already is. And I personally just hit the rain and yes, it got colder.

And then unfortunately a tragedy hit in the mountains being over 20 people that died due to the cars or the rule is being clogged up. Everyone wanted to see the snow and then some people got stuck in their cars overnight and then died of various causes, hypothermia. A buildup of carbon monoxide due to the heaters being on the car.

So it ended up really badly. And my heart goes out to the family and friends. Who've lost their loved ones in this tragic incident. I mean, an incident where, you know, families and people wanted to have fun in the snow ended up in debts. It's just really sad. I do hope that the governor. Takes responsibility for not closing the roads, even though the needle forecasts didn't take any action.

They're more reactive. Unfortunately they only take action after something happens. So I hope this is a wake up call for them and I hope they the men their ways. But anyways, so this episode, I will be talking about thinking before you speak. And I just feel that this topic is getting. It's just really important to talk about.

Over the years you know, I, I wasn't aware of the words I would use or the impact my words could have on someone else and vice versa. And as I grew up in, as I you know, started sending through. I kind of look back at my experiences that we I've spoken to my parents the way I've spoken to my friends, the way I've spoken to my exes.

It does have a profound impact on how they are with you on their self-esteem on their confidence, on, you know, on it has the words I've used, the way I've spoken to people, not thinking and just seeing what. Felt in that, in that second or in that situation is really impacted my relationships. And you know, there's some quotes which which, you know I like to mention, and I think one key one and many of you may have heard this sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

And that's the. And that's the biggest lie anyone could ever say, it's it's and this is not something you would, you know, you should be teaching young people because words do hurt you. Worse words do hurt others. This is something I'll be speaking about in the latter part of the episode. And other quote is the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.

That was said by Peggy O'Mara. Another one by Juul. It was be careful what you say. You can say something hurtful in 10 seconds, but 10 years later, the wounds are still there. And this other quote, by an somewhat anonymous, the words you can speak, become the house you live in. And honestly, you know, like if I think back now of the stuff that is said to me and the impact it's had, you know, like for example, Amara, you have.

Well, Amara, you know, you turn red and blush. Are you wearing, does Shawn or Amar you're weak for not being, you know, for not being able to keep your marriage you know, Amar you're responsible for making our friendship suck or, you know, or how it is at the moment or Mar your HSA husband or Mar you should be lucky to have me.

I know these are just some examples of, you know, some things which you just say without thinking. You know, other stuff which I've heard parents say to children is, you know you're, you're not T and, and this has said repeatedly, repeatedly, you're naughty, naughty, naughty, you're naughty, naughty or you're irresponsible.

You're pushover. And then, you know, sometimes, and I I've heard people use the word stop so many times, stop doing this, stop playing with stop running or stop. As, you know, watching TV, you are stop eating this and stop eating that and this, you know and then other stuff, you know, you're ugly, you're fat, you're not marriage material.

You're not capable of becoming. You know, intelligent enough, your sister's bread than you, your brother's better than you. You know, you look at your cousins, your friends are better than you at that. And you know, you, you say these things without thinking, right? These are words, these have an impact.

And then, you know, it's, it's not just words that are necessarily directed to you or to someone else, but they can also be directed at other people as well as, so for example, you're sitting in a group. So, okay. So let's say for example, that you're, you know, you're sitting as a family and you have young children and, you know, you're talking about someone else.

And you say, you know, that person's fat, that person's nasty. That person is, you know two white you know, to, to, to black, to brown is fake is bad because he or she drinks smokes wears too much makeup. Not a good parent, not a good spouse and et cetera. And you know, these things. And you know, I don't know if I should say unfortunately or fortunately, but these things are picked up, you know by, by, by younger children and they will start using these words and you, so you need to think about, and I'd start thinking like that.

So for example, if you're commenting on people's skin you know, they will start noticing, oh, you know, his skin color is supposed to differentiate people or are people different because of the skin color or people behave differently because of this skin color. And I think subconsciously, you know, this kind of creates that You know it created, maybe creates racism or discrimination, which your intention yes.

Was all meant to do that, but it does. So you need to think before you speak and you just need to just, and I think, you know, you just need to stop, just need to stop saying things which can be hurtful to other people. You know, you don't have the license to bring the other person down, even if it's your child.

If you keep going on and on about telling your child, even if he, or she's grown up, you know, 40 plus. And so, and telling them the irresponsible, or they don't have the life in order, or you know, th th th they don't know what they want. It just brings them down, you know, you're supposed to support the other person.

And same for your friends and same for other people around you as well. You just don't have the license to bring another person down. And I think a lot of adults think they have ownership or. Their child or the younger one or the niece and nephew. And I teach over student and so forth, but that's not the case.

No one has ownership over the other. You're supposed to be a supporting mechanism. You're supposed to be someone who could motivate the other person, not bring the other person down. Also know the thing is that, you know, you might say something you know, for example, Mar you have a long nose.

Though, you just don't know the whole story, you know, you don't know how it impacts me. You don't know whether I've been bullied for that in the past. You don't know whether it's a deformity. You just don't know. Right. You don't know the whole story. So you really need to think before you speak. For example, if you tell someone they're about spouse, you, you just don't know what goes on in their lives.

Even if you think, you know, the whole story, you probably don't. Do you know, not everyone tells you everything. Everyone has a certain things which they can't say or aren't get aware of or find it hard to articulate. So you just told the whole story. And I think the last one is, you know, before you say something and not think about it The best thing is, have you looked yourself?

I mean, I mean, blunt here, but have you looked at yourself in their merchandise and, you know, worked in your bad stuff or or not, you know, it's I, you know, these things do have an impact. So for example, this researcher his name was Emoto and he tested the power of spoken words. So what he did was that he plays two cups of cooked white rice in two separate jobs.

And fix the lids in place. So one jar had a label. Thank you. And the other jar had a label you fool. The jars would left in a school classroom and the students were asked to speak the words on the labels to these jars twice a day. So for example some of the children would say thank you to the lid, to the jar.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And the other one, they would say you fool, you fool. You. After 30 days what they found was that the rice, which had the label of you fool shriveled into a black sort of black like mass however, in contrast, the rice in the jar that was done was white and fluffy as a day as the day, it was maced.

That was after three. And this, this example is great. I'm not sure I haven't done the experiment. But Emoto is very well known in the power words, research and this field, and he uses a lot of these examples or these reaches example in his books. And I just found how, you know and it is fascinating, especially the results and the impact of the words that have.

On it you don't care contrast and, you know and obviously, you know, science finds that, you know, when a child or even anyone for that matter, an adult or anyone is told no, like no walking, no watching TV late. No, this, no that automatically their fight flight and freeze or faint response is activated.

And so when children, especially children are in the state of mind, they're more likely to emotionally. I, then this, as a result, you know, this child might feel more angry. My avoidant might feel more helpless or visit as well. And then it's definitely has a long-term impact. You know the child may grow up thinking if he's constantly been said no in his childhood or been or you know, or the language use for that child.

Wasn't correct. You know, the child and grew up in thinking, why do I get angry? What's the reason I get defensive. Why am I getting bullied? What am I doing wrong? And so forth. So, you know, these, these, you know, the use of what you say does have an impact. An overall impact on the short term, definitely.

And the long-term as well. And I remember I'd work. I remember one of the managers, he was, he was for pink. Someone's work apart three times consecutively with comments like, you know, your, your eye works below average, your slides aren't sexy enough. You know, I had to do everything, you know, you wasted my time.

And I could just see that person's demeanor and mood change over time. That person became more negative in a couple of weeks and that person eventually eventually left the workplace. And you know, some people, when they say something might underestimate the impact, their words might have on someone, even though they may have started once, twice or three times though it can have a profound impact.

And hence I've been stressing that, you know, please think before you speak, it's not. Do you know, three things before you speak? I mean, if I take my example you know, when, you know, when people say you don't mind my noises large or long, I never had really noticed that until people start saying that.

And I actually, you know, this would be a shock to many of you, but I actually contemplated about having a rhinoplasty slash which is no surgery in layman terms. And, you know, I, I collected some of the money myself, but though my parents never supported me. No one ever supported me. The like, you know, you should be happy in your own skin.

I thank God. Thank God. Thank God I overcame this insecurity. And I became, you know, more comfortable in my own skin. You know, but this, you know, in that, in, in that situation or that couple of years, I did feel insecure about my looks just because of my nose. And the other comments, you know, very, to my marriage or Omar, your crop husband, you couldn't keep your marriage a week from the inside.

You know, it did make me feel sad for being responsible, you know, because I disappointed others. But it also made me feel incapable of maintaining relationships. And, and. Kind of made me think, you know, am I incapable of having a relationship? You know, if I go into my next relationship, how will I be, will I do you know, do the same shit, will it end up in the same way?

And you know, so, so it really made me, you know, really made me think it really made, brought me down as well. Though, I, you know, I have to commend my, the last couple of years. I have to commend my therapist. I have to commend my family and friends for supporting me. And also I think I need to come in myself or just being a bit more open about my experiences, accepting my development areas and where it went wrong and working on them actively.

And I'm really thankful also that I've become more aware of what I see. And when to remain quiet, to not hurt others and to, you know, to just be just to think before I speak or, you know, if like, you know, simple things, I, for example, I was just alluding to, you know, when you tell children.

Running or so there, so they don't hurt themselves to start watching TV. You know, it really makes a difference if you do it in a positive way. So for example, in stress, stop running, you can say, you know, walk please or instead of saying, you know, to your child or someone else stop yelling, you can say quiet voice, please.

And, and, you know, I think that. These, just these small changes and your phrasing will definitely have a positive impact. On the, on the children. Just because they'll see it as more positive and they're probably listening and there's high probability, they'll listen to you. And it definitely shaped them into adults with, you know, positive mental wellbeing.

And how can you do that? I mean, you know, before you, before speaking to think about how would you feel someone said the same thing to you? You know, I love this three second rule. So you think about, is it nice? Is it true? Is it necessary? And I've added a fourth, fourth myself. Is it helpful? What I've learned over the years is sometimes you don't have to contribute to every conversation or you don't have to react to everything.

So sometimes it's just better to stay quiet better to stay quiet and say something rude, which you regret later. Really surround yourself with positive people. So for example, if you're around someone who's negative all the time you know, who's always criticizing someone else or you, or themselves, or gossiping about people or saying rude things to others or to themselves as well.

You, over time, you tend to start resonating with those things and you might start to start using their words, their language. So it's really necessary. Surround yourself with positive people. Like, for example, I used to hang out with a lot of people with people who used to gossip a lot. And unfortunately I became like that.

Hence, however, over time I've started hanging out with positive people who talk, but other stuff, not gossip about people, but talk about, you know, what's happening in the world about, you know, topics would it, it would be interest to me. And I've just seen my relationship with those people more genuine. I'm just better friends with them.

So positive. Does it make a huge difference? I know use powerful, positive words, for example. You know, I started saying, you know, when someone asks me, how are you? And Mar I, instead of saying, I find this I'm great. And you know, I just started feeling more positive, more upbeat just by using, by replacing fine with great.

It does make a difference and do try it, try it for a month or two, and you will see the difference. You just feel happier. And use transformational words. So this kind of goes back to an episodes a couple of weeks ago. So how you could replace, could get to, but with some other transformational words, so do tune into that episode to found it more and you just need to be paid.

You know, these things do take time. So practice repeat you know, it takes time to learn your timetables and multiplication tables. It takes time to learn a sport. It takes time to therapy, you know, and to solve your issues. You know, in this exercise, you know, thinking before you speak, it will take time.

But I'm sure I'm confident that if you are to start adopting some of these tips, I've given you. You will start noticing differences. And I'm sure relationships you better. I'm sure you will. You will shape yourself better and you would shape other people better as well. You won't be responsible for others is low self-esteem and low confidence.

In contrast you could actually be helping someone out and, you know, really finding themselves and becoming stronger. So that's the end of the topic. Think before you speak. And as always, I will end the episode with two odd news. So one news is a husband Barry's wife under a cow dunk mountain to cure snake bite.

And unfortunately she died soon after. So this was around you know, this, this, this, his wife got bitten by guard bitten by snake and. And he went to a snake charmer, distinct charmer, told him to bury his wife under gout dog, and then he would sing chants. And then the snake charmer would sing chance, wants this done.

Unfortunately, that results in the death of this lady which is really sad though. It does show, it does show you the extent people would go or the extended. How much people believe as true positions. So please don't do this at home and please don't advise anyone to do this as well. Another one I saw actually on Instagram, I saw, I saw people's stories and there was a billboard with a man in, in England.

And the tagline was saved me from an arranged marriage. So this guy in England, a 29 year old had multiple billboards put up in Birmingham. With this phrase, saving me from new marriage. And then he created a website as world find Maalik wife.com. And his thing was, you know, that his friend suggested him to try this, try advertising after, you know, he didn't have, he didn't find anyone on dating apps.

And apparently he is, he's got a lot of offers. So according to him, he says that There, the Malik told the BBC has billboards, which are scheduled to remain up to January 14th, have resulted in a flood of responses. I haven't had the time to look through it yet. He said, I need to set some time aside.

I hadn't thought this part too. I'm sure he had a lot of money to put these advertising billboards. And I would definitely not do that. You just probably get really random. Though, if you don't have, have, have had any luck anywhere than this, and if you have the money, then this could be another way to find your life partner.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this episode as always you know, subscribe, rate, and review and share with the family and friends. And thank you. So, so, so much for having listened to the episodes before this one. Thank you. Have a good week. Goodbye.